I feel better this morning because there are some really stupid dolphins in the world.

All the ones you see leaping and twisting and gavotting at Sea World? Those are the exceptions—the valedictorians of their schools, or pods. The real world of dolphins comprises a lot more average types. I didn't know that. You know when one of them plows through the water with a human more or less riding its snout? The average dolphin can't do that. I didn't know that either. And that little bit of business when they wave bye-bye with their tails? Same thing.

Some of those more typical dolphins at Sea World actually wash out of the program. (Insert stupid smiley-faced emoticon after "wash out"—I refuse.) I guess I wouldn't have known that either except for the transcript from Chippy vs. Sea World that I found online. Chippy, you may remember, passed the written section but failed stunts? Every once in a while pieces of the court transcript make it to the Internet, and I found this one a few days ago— a verbatim reading of the final interview between Chippy and the Personnel Officer at Sea World.

Personnel Officer: I just wanted to thank you for your application and for coming to the tryouts.

Chippy: [series of clicks and squeals.]

P.O. I'm glad you made new friends. That's what we're all about here at Sea World: making new friends.

Chippy: [one click and a few squeals.]

P.O. I know you'd love to work here and make more friends. I just don't think we're going to be able to use you at this juncture.

Chippy: [one click, one squeal, one click]

P.O. Yes I understand jobs are scarce, but we're pretty filled up right now and we want our working dolphins to live in non-crowded conditions. That's what we're all about here at Sea World: having dolphins live in non-crowded conditions.

Chippy: [series of clicks and squeals.]

P.O. And making new friend, right.

Chippy: [series of clicks and one squeal.]

P.O. I understand. I like to eat fish too, but sometimes it's fun to go out in the ocean and snag a mouthful instead of having them thrown to you from a pail. Anyway, we'll keep your name on file...

Chippy: [one loud clicks and two squeals.]

P.O. Actually your tryout was fine. Believe me, no one thinks you intentionally severed that woman's finger.

Chippy: [a very subdued click and a loud whimper.]

P.O. Well see, that's the problem. If her finger looked like a fish, maybe next time it'll be a leg, or a handler. It certainly is a black mark on your visual acuity.

Chippy: [one click and two winks]

P.O. Maybe you don't claim to have it, but Wikipedia says you do. Anyway, they've reattached the finger and she's going to make a full recovery.

Chippy: [series of squeals.]

P.O. I'm sure it was very hurtful when she screamed at you, especially with your superior sense of hearing. You do have that, don't you?

Chippy: [morose click]

P.O. You have to remember that her ring finger was bobbing in the water. Imagine the heartbreak were she ever to get engaged...

Chippy: [series of squeals.]

P.O. No, I don't think she's interested in an apology.

Chippy: [two squeals.]

P.O. You want the apology...she cost you the job. Actually she's not the reason. Let me ask you this—when you were growing up, did the other dolphins seem, oh I don't know, smarter?

Chippy: [two clicks, no squeals.]

P.O. No the bathing suit is a total loss. You ate it, remember? Now forget about her for a minute. When you were younger, did you need everything explained twice, three times?

Chippy: [two clicks, no squeals.]

P.O. No, we're not going to make you pay for the bathing suit. If we had known pink enrages you we certainly would have opted for a different color. Getting back to you for a minute...

Chippy: [a squeak and a squeal]

P.O. Sure, if you'd rather not discuss it. I will say this—your transcripts were not impressive but we took the chance anyway. It just didn't work out.

Chippy: [a squeak, and a squeal, a click, and a pop]

P.O. Of course I remembered: here's the recommendation I promised. And remember, if there's anything you ever need, let us know. That's what we're all about here at Sea World.

Chippy: [dubious clicks.]

P.O. Yes, and making friends.